Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
