We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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