Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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