i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
