how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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