i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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