i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
