i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
