I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize