u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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