I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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