my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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