i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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