she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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