So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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