theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
