you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
