So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
