I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
