Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize