i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
