Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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