My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
