tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
