saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
