so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
