Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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