so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize