can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize