I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize