I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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