She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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