My liver just broke up with me...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize