so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize