i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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