it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
