The maid of honor just puked.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
