I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
