Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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