I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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