You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
