The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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