can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
