You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
