i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
