hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
