I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
