I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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