so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Barsexuality is the new black.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize