I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm passing your future prison.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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