You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
