we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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