It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
