I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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