the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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