i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
