Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
