Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
cat food counts as protein by the way
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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