my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize