I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
