ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
