You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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