The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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