coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
