i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
