I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize