Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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