Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
