Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
