and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
